Thursday, October 1, 2009

A Dream Like State

From 1990-1993 we had a foster son. He came to us when he was 3 days old and left when he was 3 years and 2 months.

He got adopted by the Huxtables.

At the time I was a stay at home home schooling mom. I loved little Louis. But he was so much better off going with the Huxtables.

When his new mom called to tell me that the judge said he could finally go live with them, I burst into tears and said, "He's my baby." We got to keep him one more week.

Then his dad came and picked him up. I said to my little Louis, "Your new family is here to take you home." Louis ran down the hall screaming, "No!"

Off he went and they took really good care of him and gave him a really good life. We saw him twice after that. He was talking and having a great time.

I wrote to his family about 10 years ago, giving them our new address, but I have not heard from them.

I did my best with Louis, but it wasn't that great. He got bangs and bumps and cuts and scrapes. He was little and he did not talk (like many born drug addicted children). I am sure however he grew up into a wonderful man.

But the Louis of my dreams is still 3 years old, little, not totally potty trained and not talking much.

It is a re-occurring dream. He is little and I haven't been taking care of him. I need to take care of him. I am so ashamed that I haven't and I am afraid that I will get in trouble with the authorities because I haven't been taking care of him.

Sometimes Joe-Ash dreams about him, too.

So what's that about? I had the dream again last night. It has haunted me today.

What am I not doing that I should?

What part of me is being forgotten and not nourished?

I don't know.

Can you help?


  1. I think you're just missing someone you loved very much. I remember those days and the family photos with him in it. I think I have one of him with his afro-sheen curls or whatevet that was that you had to use on his hair and I recall clearly that you grumbled about it.

  2. If it helps I sometime dream that my dad and sister are canibals and they are going to eat me. The frist time it happened it scared the besus right out of me.

  3. Is that him? Oh, look at that sweet, fierce little face! Did you ever foster any other children?

    As to your dream...I do imagine that you are neglecting something precious. And I also imagine it is some need of that is the first thing most women will neglect.

  4. I think it's sad that his new family never communicated to you how Louis was faring.

  5. I think part of you still feels responsible for him. I know when my kids were small, I'd wake up and feel almost panicked for a second then a memory of putting them to bed or oh yeah, they're at my mom's house tonight would set my mind to ease. You probably have that panicked feeling in your sleep but not the short term memory of where he is. Maybe?

  6. ananda - I am definately missing someone I loved.

    I had no idea how to take care of his hair. chris rock has a new film out on african american hair. it is a puzzle!

    and your family dream does help - I bet it was scary the first time - in return visits at least you know will survive!

    laura - that is not him - I googled african children to get that picture (little black boy did not work) - he did look a lot like that - I wonder what he looks like now?

    I am sure I am neglecting something (more than just one something - but one thing in particular for this recurring dream)

    I clearly remember my mother teaching me to put men ahead of myself. a lesson I all learned well (I also put my children ahead of my needs - that's probably hormonal as well as pyschological)

    cube - i do feel sad about not knowing what is happening with him. but what if it is bad?

    texla - Yeah, I do still feel responsible for him - when I pray for my husband and sons, I pray for him, too. And I do feel panicked and have absolutely no short term memory of where or how he is. Panicked is a good word for the feeling of this dream.

    Thank you all for your comments. I feel understood. Thanks!

  7. That's a beautiful story. There is some weird reason we have these sorts of dreams about things we have already accomplished in the past, like passing a test, but we dream that we failed the test or forgot about it and failed. Something about our mind going back to that time and reminding us that even though we could have failed we did not, we ended up passing. That is very confusing sounding, but I remember having brought this up with my doctor once, or he did, he said he had dreams about failing statistics... but he had ended up passing, but his mind would still go back to that stressful period of time as a reminder that in stressful times we can have success.

  8. And he is just too adorable in that picture!

  9. Sebastien - I really appreciate that theory. It makes sense, in a way - but it never feels like success when I have the dream.

    Also, that is not Louis - he was actually much cuter than that as a kid.